How The Disorganised-Attachment Feminine Shows Up in Romantic Relationships

Reeshta
Mar 31
5 min read

Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful step in nurturing healthier relationships.

Disorganised attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment, is a complex and often painful relational pattern.

For the feminine, this attachment style can create an inner conflict between craving deep intimacy and fearing the vulnerability that comes with it.

Often rooted in childhood trauma, inconsistent caregiving, or relationships that oscillated between love and fear, this attachment style can make romantic relationships feel both necessary and overwhelming.

In this post, we’ll explore six ways the Disorganised-attached Feminine may show up in relationships, highlight healthy responses that may be confused with this attachment style, and provide actionable steps to navigate these patterns with greater self-awareness and emotional security.

1. Hot-and-Cold Behaviour

Easily Confused with: Setting boundaries

It’s normal to need space or reassess situations in relationships. However, with disorganised attachment, these shifts are often sudden and fueled by fear rather than self-care.

Disorganised Attachment: One moment, you deeply crave your partner’s closeness; the next, you push them away because intimacy feels overwhelming. You may initiate emotional closeness and then suddenly withdraw, fearing that if you get too close, you’ll be hurt.
Healthy Response: Taking intentional space to process emotions without creating confusion or instability in your relationship.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: The push-pull dynamic stems from an internal battle between the need for connection and the fear of it. Recognising this can help break the cycle.

Instead of abruptly withdrawing, communicate your need for space clearly: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some time to process, but I value our relationship.”
Build awareness around what triggers your need to push someone away, and explore whether it stems from past trauma or a genuine need for solitude.

2. Struggling to Trust Even Safe Partners

Easily Confused with: Being cautious in love

Taking time to build trust is a healthy approach to relationships. However, disorganised attachment often causes deep mistrust, even when a partner has done nothing to warrant suspicion.

Disorganised Attachment: Feeling like you must always be on guard because vulnerability feels dangerous. Even when a partner is consistently kind and loving, you may assume they have hidden motives or will eventually hurt you.
Healthy Response: Gradually allowing trust to develop based on consistent actions rather than operating from past wounds.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: If you’ve experienced betrayal or inconsistency in the past, your brain may trick you into believing that all relationships will follow the same pattern. However, new relationships deserve to be seen for what they are.

Instead of assuming the worst, look for patterns of safety: Does this person communicate openly? Do their actions align with their words?
Journaling about your fears can help separate past experiences from present realities.

3. Difficulty Expressing Needs

Easily Confused with: Independence

There’s a difference between being independent and feeling unsafe to express your needs. The Disorganised-attached Feminine may struggle with voicing desires out of fear that doing so will lead to rejection or conflict.

Disorganised Attachment: Suppressing emotions and pretending everything is fine, even when needs are unmet. You may feel like your feelings are “too much” or that expressing them will drive your partner away.
Healthy Response: Advocating for your needs while respecting the needs of your partner.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: You may have learned that expressing needs leads to punishment or abandonment. Reframing this belief is crucial.

Start small: Expressing needs in non-threatening ways can build confidence. Example: Instead of saying, “You never spend time with me,” try, “I love when we have quality time together—can we plan a date night soon?”
Surround yourself with relationships where your voice is valued. The more you practice expressing needs in safe spaces, the easier it becomes.

4. Self-Sabotaging Healthy Relationships

Easily Confused with: Following your intuition

It’s essential to listen to your gut, but disorganised attachment can make fear feel like intuition. This often leads to pushing away partners who are actually good for you.

Disorganised Attachment: Feeling uneasy when a partner treats you well, leading to self-sabotaging behaviours like picking fights, withdrawing emotionally, or convincing yourself they’re “too good to be true.”
Healthy Response: Recognising when discomfort stems from past wounds rather than a legitimate problem in the relationship.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: If love has felt unsafe in the past, stability can feel unfamiliar—mistakenly triggering a fear response.

Before acting on doubts, ask: “Is this person truly harming me, or am I reacting to past fears?”
Therapy, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend can help sort through emotions before making impulsive decisions.

5. Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Intimacy (At the Same Time)

Easily Confused with: Wanting to take things slow

Taking time to develop a relationship is healthy. However, disorganised attachment creates a painful paradox where both closeness and distance feel unsafe.

Disorganised Attachment: Fearing abandonment if a partner pulls away, yet panicking when they get too close. You might feel smothered by deep emotional connection while also feeling terrified of being alone.
Healthy Response: Allowing relationships to develop naturally without letting fear dictate interactions.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: This inner conflict stems from past relationships where love and fear were intertwined. Recognising this pattern can help you regain control.

Practice self-soothing techniques when you feel triggered. Breathing exercises, movement, or affirmations like “I am safe in love” can help regulate emotions.
Build tolerance for emotional closeness by gradually allowing vulnerability in relationships.
Engage in shared interests which also encourage independence. For example, going to the gym together. It's a shared activity yet you both are off doing your own thing. Another example would be joining the same language school (some weekend classes anyone?) but you're both learning different languages. Activities like this balance closeness and independence in a beautiful way.

6. Difficulty Regulating Emotions in Relationships

Easily Confused with: Being passionate

Having strong emotions is natural, but disorganised attachment can create emotional highs and lows that make relationships feel chaotic.

Disorganised Attachment: Feeling emotionally flooded during conflict, struggling to self-regulate, or reacting intensely to minor triggers. This might look like shutting down completely or having emotional outbursts that feel uncontrollable.
Healthy Response: Acknowledging emotions without letting them dictate actions.

How to Navigate:

The Thought Process: Emotional dysregulation often stems from a nervous system conditioned to expect instability. The goal is to create emotional safety within yourself.

When overwhelmed, practice grounding techniques: place your hand over your heart, take deep breaths, or use the 5-4-3-2-1 method (naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.).
Learning to pause before reacting can create healthier interactions.

Healing from disorganised attachment requires self-awareness, patience, and intentional effort.

Recognising these behaviours is the first step in transforming them.

If you resonate with these patterns, know that you are not broken—your attachment style is a learned response to past experiences, and with practice, you can cultivate healthier relationships.

By focusing on self-trust, emotional regulation, and safe connections, you can create a love that feels both secure and fulfilling.

Growth is possible. You are worthy of love that feels safe.

If you're ready to meet yourself on a deeper level, start your journey today!

Read about our blog posts on both our Compact Journal and Concise Journal to discover the wonderful ways Empowered Solitude can help you take the next step toward self-awareness and healing.